"Ah the night...here it comes again"
It's on with the jeans, the jacket and the shirt
How'd I end up feeling so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know to how I feel about you now
La Cienega just smiles..."see ya around"
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
And raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead
Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul
La Cienega just smiles as it waves goodbye
"Ah the night...here it comes again"
It's off with the jeans, the jacket and the shirt
How'd I end up feeling so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
How I feel about you now
La Cienega just smiles and says, "I'll see you around""
i wonder how long it will take me this time to get back to "normal." I can't remember how long it took the last time, how many nights I could be completely fine until I heard a certain song and was in tears for hours, how many nights I slept on the couch in my living room because the bed didn't feel right. How many days it took just distracting myself from thinking about it until all the hurt went away. And I know the hurt eventually went away, I remember that. It must have because I went and did it all over again. And now I'm right back in that same place. Just worse this time. I hate myself for it. And I want to tattoo it on my skin, I want to never forget. I never want to feel this way again. I learned my lesson about love. I just want the hurt to go away now. I don't feel like this is a mistake I can handle making one more time in my life.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
a murderer of love....
all i can think about most days is how i don't think i believe anymore that love is worth the inevitable devastation it causes. i never used to be this way.
there are so many things i think about that will just seem wrong without her there. but i know this is the way things have to be.
but i still sometimes think that california will never look the same with anyone else.
"you never get used to it, you just have to live with it....."
there are so many things i think about that will just seem wrong without her there. but i know this is the way things have to be.
but i still sometimes think that california will never look the same with anyone else.
"you never get used to it, you just have to live with it....."
Thursday, June 11, 2009
"Please find your place
The room grows scarce
Once we’re all inside
The service can begin
For a moment, if you please
Forget what you believe
And naked, you will see
That we are all the same
But how, your kiss
Your words, your lips
Your flesh, your bones
Exactly what you need
Why should I feel intrusion?
Why be afraid of what we do not understand?
To eliminate exclusion
Cut out the differences to feel like we belong
Drum beats louder
Open up your head
Open up you primitive
Open up your mouth
Open up your head
Your sweet primitive
Open up your mouth
It's coming out
Out there, no food or drink
How many days do you think you’d last
On your diamonds and your pearls?
I’m not a king, no, not a hero, not a fool
I'm not perfect, I'm flesh and bone
And I'm exactly what you need
Drum beats louder
Open up your head
Open up you primitive
Open up your mouth
Open up your head
Your sweet primitive
Open up your mouth
It's coming out
Open up your head
Scream, you sweet primitive
Tell me what you said
But how, your kiss
Your words, your lips
Not a gun to your head
You're gonna die before you're dead
Not sad, when you're gone
But when your light’s still on
Your dreams wont let you fly
Don't be dead before you die
Hunger, till fed, give love instead
When it gets inside, watch the dead man squirm
Above all things
If kindness is your king
Then heaven will be yours before you reach your end "
i don't care what a giant nerd it makes me, i love the dave matthews band! for years, their music has expressed the joy i feel facing everyday life. the fear and heartbreak and loss and sadness, but most of all the joy. thats what i love the most about this band. they wrote the lyrics that i have fit to my life for years when they wrote the words "celebrate we will, cause life is short, but sweet for certain." my words to live by for always.
i heard this song and got insane goosebumps immediately. i want the lyrics "don't be dead before you die" tattooed.
i believe very strongly in living every second to the fullest. in telling people you love them, hugging people who are hurting, dancing, singing, being ridiculous. kindness is MY king. :) i have a heart as big as the whole world and even though it hurts like hell sometimes, i have never wished it any other way.
don't act too cool to feel joy. don't hold back telling people you love them out of fear. don't let it all pass you by. don't be dead before you die. :)
thank you dave matthews band
The room grows scarce
Once we’re all inside
The service can begin
For a moment, if you please
Forget what you believe
And naked, you will see
That we are all the same
But how, your kiss
Your words, your lips
Your flesh, your bones
Exactly what you need
Why should I feel intrusion?
Why be afraid of what we do not understand?
To eliminate exclusion
Cut out the differences to feel like we belong
Drum beats louder
Open up your head
Open up you primitive
Open up your mouth
Open up your head
Your sweet primitive
Open up your mouth
It's coming out
Out there, no food or drink
How many days do you think you’d last
On your diamonds and your pearls?
I’m not a king, no, not a hero, not a fool
I'm not perfect, I'm flesh and bone
And I'm exactly what you need
Drum beats louder
Open up your head
Open up you primitive
Open up your mouth
Open up your head
Your sweet primitive
Open up your mouth
It's coming out
Open up your head
Scream, you sweet primitive
Tell me what you said
But how, your kiss
Your words, your lips
Not a gun to your head
You're gonna die before you're dead
Not sad, when you're gone
But when your light’s still on
Your dreams wont let you fly
Don't be dead before you die
Hunger, till fed, give love instead
When it gets inside, watch the dead man squirm
Above all things
If kindness is your king
Then heaven will be yours before you reach your end "
i don't care what a giant nerd it makes me, i love the dave matthews band! for years, their music has expressed the joy i feel facing everyday life. the fear and heartbreak and loss and sadness, but most of all the joy. thats what i love the most about this band. they wrote the lyrics that i have fit to my life for years when they wrote the words "celebrate we will, cause life is short, but sweet for certain." my words to live by for always.
i heard this song and got insane goosebumps immediately. i want the lyrics "don't be dead before you die" tattooed.
i believe very strongly in living every second to the fullest. in telling people you love them, hugging people who are hurting, dancing, singing, being ridiculous. kindness is MY king. :) i have a heart as big as the whole world and even though it hurts like hell sometimes, i have never wished it any other way.
don't act too cool to feel joy. don't hold back telling people you love them out of fear. don't let it all pass you by. don't be dead before you die. :)
thank you dave matthews band
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
for K-----
I have this friend that is a lovely, amazing, funny, and weird (in the best possible way) person. There are a million little ways she reminds me of myself at her age. She is smart and funny. She has her shit together and feels a really great sense of responsibility. And she is completely and absolutely and very verbally disrespectful about God and religion. Exactly like me at her age. And, like I was, I feel that she is unable to separate God from religion.
I don't know what to do here, but I want to tell her a story she will listen to. I know her well enough to know that the odds are very stacked against me that she will take anything from what i have to say. But I want her (and other people like her) to read my story and maybe understand where people like me are coming from.
I had a very bad childhood. Abandoned by my father very early on, my mother never lifted her head out of the depression that has plagued most of her life. We were extremely, embarrassingly poor. My mom wouldn't or couldn't work. I was abused in more than one horrifying way by people I should have been able to trust. I was gay in high school in Mesquite, Texas. My father was in and out of jail and I felt a tremendous responsibility to take care of the one person who had the most negative impact on my life. I was a verbal, raging atheist. Looking back now, I almost had no other choice. There were so many things I didnt understand. My disturbed mother told me to believe in God, but would also tell me she was putting a curse on someone. I didn't understand how a loving God that was supposed to watch over us all would let a child be abused or hungry. I didn't understand how a loving God could take away my grandmother at age 65 when I still needed her desperately in my life.
I didn't believe and I didn't understand and i stayed that way for many years. i met a lot of people that meant well, but people i could see through. People who lied, gossiped, people that seemingly had no joy in their lives telling me i should believe. A part of me always wanted to, needed to, but I needed to see something real. Maybe someONE real. Then I met my friend Kirk, one of the most important people to ever happen to my life. Someone who not only talked the talk, like so many of my friends did, but walked the walk. Every day of his life. The more time i spent with him, the more i wanted to be like him. I wanted his joy. Everybody loves Kirk. And Kirk loves everyone. Every single person. He is, to me, the embodiment of joy. Of soul. He wasn't pushy, he knew how I felt, what I believed. And he loved me anyway. I think that he knew that all he could do was show me, practice what he preached. I have never met anyone that shines as brightly as him. And i wanted it for me. I could feel, and still do most times, around him God's joy and love, as absolutely cheesy as it sounds. That boy is the real deal. He would pray with us sometimes, me and my group of friends, and increasingly more as one of my friends became very very sick. I would stand in the group and hold hands, close my eyes and bow my head. To be respectful. Because I love Kirk. But eventually I began to FEEL things. This amazing tingle that I still get when I pray that tells me that someone hears. I started my games with God. I would pray and say "show me a sign, show me anything that you're real." And I ignored signs for a long time and asked for bigger signs. And God was the first person in my life that never ever gave up on me.
Everything fell into place one night... Good Friday 4 years ago, if you can believe that. I was driving around talking, asking for a sign, for anything. I was listening to Kirk's band on a CD as I drove. And nothing was ever more simple and more complicated in my life. I passed a homeless man on the side of the road with a sign. Even before I was ever "saved" (which is a term i hate) i could never pass a homeless person on the street. I tried that night. Got most of the way home and turned around. I bought some food and went to find the man. The look on his face is something i will never forget and makes me ashamed of the human race. The look that told me that people all day, and probably for most of his life, ignored him like he wasn't even a person. He took the food and water and said "God bless you. Happy Good Friday." #7 as my friend Kirk would say. Thats exactly what happened. I broke down crying in my car on the way home, my whole entire life changed. My conversation with God on that drive home went something along the lines of "ok ok i hear you. i get it". That was the best day of my entire life. I didn't have room in me to be cynical anymore. Or to try to be funny. It is what it is. So my first point in this, to my friend that I will always love wether she believes in anything or not is this: you scoff at the notion that if you seek God you will find Him. But no one said "If you seek God His first response will be what you want it to be." If you seek God, with all of your heart and without all of your cynicsm, you WILL find Him. I am one million percent living proof of that and i have friends that are, as well. You couldn't possibly be more outrageous and outspoken than me and my best friend from high school. We have been right there. And if you are looking, you will find Him. And I don't agree with a lot of things that a lot of pastors say, but I wholeheartedly agree with the statements that "only God can move mountains out of our lives" and that "pride disconnects us from God." I know for a fact that pride keeps us from God. Pride kept me from God for most of my life.
And I have experienced miracles. More than once. I was in a car wreck during rush hour traffic that I ONLY survived by the grace of God. There is absolutely NO reason I should have lived to tell about that wreck. No reason except that God saw fit for me to. If I had been rear ended, as i for all LOGICAL purposes SHOULD have been, there is NO CHANCE i would have survived. i know that everyday. I have had sick friends on the literal verge of death have complete miraculous turn arounds. I have seen what only God can do.
And there are a lot of things I don't understand. And i know that i am extremely radical. I don't believe in the bible at all. God didn't write the bible and i believe that God is the only infallible thing in the world. The bible is contradictory. And people pick and choose from it what they believe. And I believe thats wrong. And most of the people I meet that don't believe in God don't believe because they have had other "Christians" ruin it for them. All I can say is look at Jesus. He loved everyone. Every single person. And he spent the time he was here teaching and loving other people. That is historical documented fact. Thats what I believe in. I just believe in Love. And there are people who will tell me I'm wrong, but I know it in my heart. I feel it when I talk to God. I feel that He really is there and that i'm not alone. Thats all I can say. I just hate to see people turned off to it before they even get the chance to explore what it means, even if it is by people that mean well.
I don't care if I change your mind. Kirk didn't care if he changed mine. He would still love me and be one of my best friends to this day even if I had never listened to that voice inside of me. Just like I will still always think you're great and smart and funny. I just want you to know there's more out there than what you've been shown.
And, as I said, I don't believe in the bible, but sometimes I think it's a great work of fiction with some valuable life lessons. I have this passage taped to my computer screen and I read it everyday. I never ever want to forget: "May you become blameless and harmless children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world."
"how can anyone see if you don't shine your light?"
I don't know what to do here, but I want to tell her a story she will listen to. I know her well enough to know that the odds are very stacked against me that she will take anything from what i have to say. But I want her (and other people like her) to read my story and maybe understand where people like me are coming from.
I had a very bad childhood. Abandoned by my father very early on, my mother never lifted her head out of the depression that has plagued most of her life. We were extremely, embarrassingly poor. My mom wouldn't or couldn't work. I was abused in more than one horrifying way by people I should have been able to trust. I was gay in high school in Mesquite, Texas. My father was in and out of jail and I felt a tremendous responsibility to take care of the one person who had the most negative impact on my life. I was a verbal, raging atheist. Looking back now, I almost had no other choice. There were so many things I didnt understand. My disturbed mother told me to believe in God, but would also tell me she was putting a curse on someone. I didn't understand how a loving God that was supposed to watch over us all would let a child be abused or hungry. I didn't understand how a loving God could take away my grandmother at age 65 when I still needed her desperately in my life.
I didn't believe and I didn't understand and i stayed that way for many years. i met a lot of people that meant well, but people i could see through. People who lied, gossiped, people that seemingly had no joy in their lives telling me i should believe. A part of me always wanted to, needed to, but I needed to see something real. Maybe someONE real. Then I met my friend Kirk, one of the most important people to ever happen to my life. Someone who not only talked the talk, like so many of my friends did, but walked the walk. Every day of his life. The more time i spent with him, the more i wanted to be like him. I wanted his joy. Everybody loves Kirk. And Kirk loves everyone. Every single person. He is, to me, the embodiment of joy. Of soul. He wasn't pushy, he knew how I felt, what I believed. And he loved me anyway. I think that he knew that all he could do was show me, practice what he preached. I have never met anyone that shines as brightly as him. And i wanted it for me. I could feel, and still do most times, around him God's joy and love, as absolutely cheesy as it sounds. That boy is the real deal. He would pray with us sometimes, me and my group of friends, and increasingly more as one of my friends became very very sick. I would stand in the group and hold hands, close my eyes and bow my head. To be respectful. Because I love Kirk. But eventually I began to FEEL things. This amazing tingle that I still get when I pray that tells me that someone hears. I started my games with God. I would pray and say "show me a sign, show me anything that you're real." And I ignored signs for a long time and asked for bigger signs. And God was the first person in my life that never ever gave up on me.
Everything fell into place one night... Good Friday 4 years ago, if you can believe that. I was driving around talking, asking for a sign, for anything. I was listening to Kirk's band on a CD as I drove. And nothing was ever more simple and more complicated in my life. I passed a homeless man on the side of the road with a sign. Even before I was ever "saved" (which is a term i hate) i could never pass a homeless person on the street. I tried that night. Got most of the way home and turned around. I bought some food and went to find the man. The look on his face is something i will never forget and makes me ashamed of the human race. The look that told me that people all day, and probably for most of his life, ignored him like he wasn't even a person. He took the food and water and said "God bless you. Happy Good Friday." #7 as my friend Kirk would say. Thats exactly what happened. I broke down crying in my car on the way home, my whole entire life changed. My conversation with God on that drive home went something along the lines of "ok ok i hear you. i get it". That was the best day of my entire life. I didn't have room in me to be cynical anymore. Or to try to be funny. It is what it is. So my first point in this, to my friend that I will always love wether she believes in anything or not is this: you scoff at the notion that if you seek God you will find Him. But no one said "If you seek God His first response will be what you want it to be." If you seek God, with all of your heart and without all of your cynicsm, you WILL find Him. I am one million percent living proof of that and i have friends that are, as well. You couldn't possibly be more outrageous and outspoken than me and my best friend from high school. We have been right there. And if you are looking, you will find Him. And I don't agree with a lot of things that a lot of pastors say, but I wholeheartedly agree with the statements that "only God can move mountains out of our lives" and that "pride disconnects us from God." I know for a fact that pride keeps us from God. Pride kept me from God for most of my life.
And I have experienced miracles. More than once. I was in a car wreck during rush hour traffic that I ONLY survived by the grace of God. There is absolutely NO reason I should have lived to tell about that wreck. No reason except that God saw fit for me to. If I had been rear ended, as i for all LOGICAL purposes SHOULD have been, there is NO CHANCE i would have survived. i know that everyday. I have had sick friends on the literal verge of death have complete miraculous turn arounds. I have seen what only God can do.
And there are a lot of things I don't understand. And i know that i am extremely radical. I don't believe in the bible at all. God didn't write the bible and i believe that God is the only infallible thing in the world. The bible is contradictory. And people pick and choose from it what they believe. And I believe thats wrong. And most of the people I meet that don't believe in God don't believe because they have had other "Christians" ruin it for them. All I can say is look at Jesus. He loved everyone. Every single person. And he spent the time he was here teaching and loving other people. That is historical documented fact. Thats what I believe in. I just believe in Love. And there are people who will tell me I'm wrong, but I know it in my heart. I feel it when I talk to God. I feel that He really is there and that i'm not alone. Thats all I can say. I just hate to see people turned off to it before they even get the chance to explore what it means, even if it is by people that mean well.
I don't care if I change your mind. Kirk didn't care if he changed mine. He would still love me and be one of my best friends to this day even if I had never listened to that voice inside of me. Just like I will still always think you're great and smart and funny. I just want you to know there's more out there than what you've been shown.
And, as I said, I don't believe in the bible, but sometimes I think it's a great work of fiction with some valuable life lessons. I have this passage taped to my computer screen and I read it everyday. I never ever want to forget: "May you become blameless and harmless children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world."
"how can anyone see if you don't shine your light?"
my blogs forst soapbox...
i used to really really love romantic comedies. i used to be way more starry eyed and hopeful and stupid about love. lately, i'd rather watch some zombies destroy a corpse than watch he's just not that into you. (a movie which, by the way, made me lose my shit the other night with it's unrealisticness. "you're my exception" indeed. fuck you, he's just not that into you. way to turn a funny book into a bullshit movie. there is no justin long-esque light at the end of the tunnel.)
ANYYYYYWAY... that being said, I watched the most adorable movie the other night. It is called Imagine Me and You and it's pretty much about that girl from coyote ugly and that girl from the terminator tv show (hot tattoos and all) falling in love. You guys should all watch it, it's totally cute. But that isn't really the point of my blogs first soapbox.
I will compare it to my 2 other favorite romantic movies: my favorite movie of all time, Moulin Rouge and my favorite romantic comedy Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Moulin Rouge has definite sexual references. Satine fakes an orgasm while Christian reads poetry to her. Her entire character is sexualized... shes a prostitute. They drink absinthe and hallucinate. I'm not saying any of this makes it any less of the most beautiful astounding movie I have ever seen. My point is this: rated PG-13.
Nick and Norah.... also definite sexual references. You listen to the 2 main characters have sex. Norah's friend Caroline is drunk the entire movie and has lines like "balls deep. Sounds fun, right? not always...." once again, not making it any less adorable and amazing. But also rated PG-13.
Imagine Me and You is a cute love story (that also stars anthony stewart head from Buffy!! eeee!!!) about a married woman that falls in love with a woman that runs a flower shop. There is NO language. NO nudity. Not even a sex scene, implied or otherwise. There is a scene where the two women kiss, completely non gropy and completely clothed, for all of maybe 5 seconds. This movie is rated R. My guess is that is to procted you, the viewer, from the potentially damaging lesbians.
This reminds me of when I was a teenager. I was lucky enough to watch and see firsthand (with my MOM of all people, a huge Ellen fan) the Ellen Degeneres coming out episode. I think I was about 16 or 17 and it was one of the hugest events that has ever happened to me. It was during a time when almost all of my friends were gay, I had an undeniable crush on one of my best friends that graduated the year before (I ended up dating her for about a year), and I was insisting that none of that meant I was gay. How can you be gay in Mesquite, Texas? And I had always had crushes on boys (still do, sometimes, I'm not gonna lie). I still have the journal I wrote in from those years and whenever I read it I want to go back in time and let that silly, terrified girl know that everything will be ok. I would tell her that she was going to meet amazing friends who loved her for who she was and would have Gay Movie Night with her. I would tell her that when she grew up, younger gay kids would visit her at work and ask her advice and look up to her and she could tell them things really would be ok. I would tell her that her mom was going to be just fine with it and that she will love one of your ex girlfriends as her own kid and still buy her Christmas presents years after you broke up. And maybe i would tell her to avoid that first girl, the one from high school, like the plague. :) But I digress...
One of the most damaging things to my coming out process is attrubuted to the Ellen show. Or rather, what happened immediately before the show started for almost all the episodes after she came out: the parental advisory before the show. Watch out parents. You are about to watch a person being open about who she is and talking about love and doing nothing more shocking than holding hands and kissing another person. People on Hannah Montana hold hands and kiss. It is one of the most innocent things in the world.
Things like the R rating for Imagine Me and You and the parental advisory before Ellen will always remind me of being a scared, confused kid and being told by the MPAA and whatever the hell it is that puts parental advisories on TV shows that I'm different. In a world where I'm scared and just want the same things everyone else gets, I am told by these things and more that "it's because you're gay." Your G rated Hannah Montana is my R rated romantic comedy. Because there is something wrong with me and people need to be warned about me in advance to preserve their delicate sensibilities.
"they seem so very tough
they seem so very scared of us
I look into the mirror (look into)
for evil that just does not exist
I don't see what they see (tell them that tell them that)
try to control the pull of one
magnet to another magnet to another
magnet to another magnet to another"
ANYYYYYWAY... that being said, I watched the most adorable movie the other night. It is called Imagine Me and You and it's pretty much about that girl from coyote ugly and that girl from the terminator tv show (hot tattoos and all) falling in love. You guys should all watch it, it's totally cute. But that isn't really the point of my blogs first soapbox.
I will compare it to my 2 other favorite romantic movies: my favorite movie of all time, Moulin Rouge and my favorite romantic comedy Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Moulin Rouge has definite sexual references. Satine fakes an orgasm while Christian reads poetry to her. Her entire character is sexualized... shes a prostitute. They drink absinthe and hallucinate. I'm not saying any of this makes it any less of the most beautiful astounding movie I have ever seen. My point is this: rated PG-13.
Nick and Norah.... also definite sexual references. You listen to the 2 main characters have sex. Norah's friend Caroline is drunk the entire movie and has lines like "balls deep. Sounds fun, right? not always...." once again, not making it any less adorable and amazing. But also rated PG-13.
Imagine Me and You is a cute love story (that also stars anthony stewart head from Buffy!! eeee!!!) about a married woman that falls in love with a woman that runs a flower shop. There is NO language. NO nudity. Not even a sex scene, implied or otherwise. There is a scene where the two women kiss, completely non gropy and completely clothed, for all of maybe 5 seconds. This movie is rated R. My guess is that is to procted you, the viewer, from the potentially damaging lesbians.
This reminds me of when I was a teenager. I was lucky enough to watch and see firsthand (with my MOM of all people, a huge Ellen fan) the Ellen Degeneres coming out episode. I think I was about 16 or 17 and it was one of the hugest events that has ever happened to me. It was during a time when almost all of my friends were gay, I had an undeniable crush on one of my best friends that graduated the year before (I ended up dating her for about a year), and I was insisting that none of that meant I was gay. How can you be gay in Mesquite, Texas? And I had always had crushes on boys (still do, sometimes, I'm not gonna lie). I still have the journal I wrote in from those years and whenever I read it I want to go back in time and let that silly, terrified girl know that everything will be ok. I would tell her that she was going to meet amazing friends who loved her for who she was and would have Gay Movie Night with her. I would tell her that when she grew up, younger gay kids would visit her at work and ask her advice and look up to her and she could tell them things really would be ok. I would tell her that her mom was going to be just fine with it and that she will love one of your ex girlfriends as her own kid and still buy her Christmas presents years after you broke up. And maybe i would tell her to avoid that first girl, the one from high school, like the plague. :) But I digress...
One of the most damaging things to my coming out process is attrubuted to the Ellen show. Or rather, what happened immediately before the show started for almost all the episodes after she came out: the parental advisory before the show. Watch out parents. You are about to watch a person being open about who she is and talking about love and doing nothing more shocking than holding hands and kissing another person. People on Hannah Montana hold hands and kiss. It is one of the most innocent things in the world.
Things like the R rating for Imagine Me and You and the parental advisory before Ellen will always remind me of being a scared, confused kid and being told by the MPAA and whatever the hell it is that puts parental advisories on TV shows that I'm different. In a world where I'm scared and just want the same things everyone else gets, I am told by these things and more that "it's because you're gay." Your G rated Hannah Montana is my R rated romantic comedy. Because there is something wrong with me and people need to be warned about me in advance to preserve their delicate sensibilities.
"they seem so very tough
they seem so very scared of us
I look into the mirror (look into)
for evil that just does not exist
I don't see what they see (tell them that tell them that)
try to control the pull of one
magnet to another magnet to another
magnet to another magnet to another"
Sunday, June 7, 2009
this will do for now....
i should apologize upfront for the mess that i am right now. maybe no one will ever read this, maybe a million people will, maybe only my nearest and dearest will. maybe it will fill the "listen to me" void i always seem to feel. maybe it will fill the "i always wished i was a writer" void i always seem to feel. maybe i will be witty and insightful and fabulous. maybe i will just beat to death the fact that i am broken hearted, the fact that i let the same girl get to me twice, the fact that i feel like i might never believe in anything again. the fact that i moved to kind of the middle of nowhere. the fact that i just want someone to sit on the couch and watch horror movies with me. the fact that i wish i was in chicago right this second. and maybe even the fact that i worry that chicago might not be the same without the girl. maybe i'll talk too much about how i wish i was a pretty girl, or how much i love fall out boy, or how much i love books and movies that distort my perception of life.
maybe i'll just talk and talk and talk. and maybe a few of you will "get me." and that would be the best surprise.
"when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through"
maybe i'll just talk and talk and talk. and maybe a few of you will "get me." and that would be the best surprise.
"when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through"
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